Cereal

Memory can be a tricky thing.

In my line of work, I'm often asked how the food is on campus. This is an old standard; seemingly mentioned in every college guidebook out there. Now, just between us, it's been 8 years next month since I last took a meal in the dining hall. I'm lucky if I remember whether I locked the door before I left the apartment 10 minutes ago, let alone the food quality from 8 years ago (assuming it's consistent anyway). So my recollections, well, they aren't so sharp. But one thing has stuck with me: I recall that some students would eat cereal for every meal. And I mean it. What's more, it wasn't just cereal, it was Lucky Charms. That's right, the only cereal dotted with teeth-shattering, world-ending marshmallows.

I was perplexed by this devotion to cereal. Now I'm willing to concede that I may be an exception and that this may make me unpatriotic - for what food is more "American" than breakfast cereal? Regardless, I spent my childhood trying to avoid cereal much as I attempted to avoid ass beatings. Not for parental lack of trying - my mother wanted me to eat cereal for breakfast. Everyday. Well, almost everyday. Sometimes she wanted me to eat Malt-O-Meal or Oatmeal instead. On those days she'd usually want me to eat cereal for supper.

Looking back, she may have been better served by waking me up, slapping me in the face, and going on with her day.

Not only did she want me to eat it, she wanted me to eat it even though she never bought the cereal that I felt was worth eating: Cookie Crisp, Cocoa Puffs, Captain Crunch, Apple Jacks. As a child I had a pretty simple outlook on nutrition, one that I likely shared with most other children: the more sugar it had, the better it tastes :: the better it tastes, the more you should eat of it. Only it wasn't that my mother wouldn't buy cereals high in sugar ... it's that she wouldn't buy the cereals high in sugar that I liked. We always had Frosted Flakes. Why? Because she loved Frosted Flakes.* We always had Frosted Mini Wheats. Why? Because she loved Frosted Mini Wheats.** As an adult, I never buy these cereals. Why? Because I ate so damned much of them as a kid.

Most puzzling was the constant presence of "Grape-nuts" in the cupboard. I realize it's cliche' at this point, but Grape-nuts are made from neither grape nor nuts. It seems that the name originated in C.W. Post's poor grasp of science - and possibly his dementia. It's long been amazing to me that cereal is such a staple in American society, given that the men who pioneered the industry were batshit crazy.*** In any case, I believe Grape-nuts to be the devil's work. But they were always there, a pox upon the house. Had I been a bit less adjusted to social norms, I may have sacrificed them in a kitchen floor bonfire. Lucky for me, someone was eating them. I don't know who - I never actually saw anyone in the act of consuming them. But I know that the size and design of the box kept changing. And god knows a product of such unnatural origin could never expire.

Digression: I remember those commercials for Grape-nuts, in which presumed employees of the company would swear that they eat the product everyday (LIARS) and that doing so improved their ability to drive a truck, operate a conveyor belt, or star in the company softball game. Regretfully, as a 12-year old I had no company softball game. But I did have little league. Did I ever eat Grape-nuts before the game? Hell no. Reason 1: Grape-nuts taste like ass. Reason 2: I always wondered how the Post employees managed to finish the game without needing to drop timber in the outfield. Lord knows I couldn't.

Compounding my issues with cereal was that for most of my childhood I was repulsed by milk. As a youngster, I weaned myself off the bottle by chucking my last one out of a moving car (prone to rash decisions even as a toddler). My psychiatrist would say that this was the beginning of my adversarial relationship with cow's milk, which is, by proxy, the beginning of an adversarial relationship with my mother. Or something. Me, I think it's just when I realized that milk didn't appeal to me. I would eat it on cereal, but only until the cereal was gone - I never drank the milk. Never even considered it - a stance that ended only in adulthood.

I can only assume that current college students still eat lucky charms three times a day, and that it is a full-time staple in the dining hall. Though some things might change (can't remember skinny jeans existing in 2001), in most ways young people stay the same. Me? I eat cereal once a week or so, just to remember why I don't do it more often.


*And I must admit that one of the most appealing things about having kids is being able to make them do things for no other reason than you want them to.

**Now I'm an adult and even if I'd like to eat the most sugary of cereals, from a health standpoint I just can't do it. Parents are put on earth to destroy their children's dreams - until the child gets married, and then it becomes their spouse's job ... zing.

*** Then again, nobody lets Nikola Tesla's insanity stand in the way of using a remote control. But you don't eat a remote control.